It is very interesting to me that the very family that is facing the potential of loosing a loved one is the same family that allowed me to attend the births of two of their children.
Birth and Death the book ends of life. The beginning and the end. They both fascinate me. They both have stages that are often clearly recognizable. They both illicit a lot of emotion. They both define us.
I would say becoming a parent and loosing a parent and being the primary caregiver to that parent where very defining times in my life. My Mother’s final strokes of parenting me, where done as she placed her trust in me as that caregiver and eventually relied on my voice when hers finally gave up. ”You will know” is what she told me, “you will know what to do when the time comes.”
She was right, I did know her wishes when she could no longer express them. I did know what to do and I did it.
So our friend’s Mother is very ill. Her children all gather to see if she can rally back from this place she is in. My mother did that too, she rallied back more than a few times in her chronic state, but eventually the body is out of come backs if you are dealing with chronic illness. Then the beginning of the end begins.
I called my sister yesterday because as I’ve waited for news on my friends’ Mom, it has of course brought up all that I went through with my Mom’s declining health and eventual death. I was cooking christmas cookies, and reflecting on her good death. She was surrounded by love, she was not alone. My husband’s Mom died with strangers. That broke our hearts. My Mother slipped away, peacefully.
Later I came to understand that some people do not have good deaths, that in fact there are awful deaths, and my nurse friend said after Mother died, “Oh how I prayed it would be a peaceful passing.” She knew Mother was not a peaceful person, nor had she endured her illness peacefully. She was scared.
If I had a few minutes with my friend right now I would say, “Watch over her, and listen to her words and look into her eyes. She will tell you things, and when she is ready to go, be brave and cheer her on. As awful as this is, be there for her, and help her go.”
I sought to understand the passage of death. I read countless books in Mother’s last 6 weeks of life. I read my books and my bible, round the clock. I put my self on hold, and tried to stay ahead of everything so I could be together and focused when need be.
My friend is going to have some final paint strokes brushed on by her Mom even now. She will be more defined, and stronger from this, and she will have no regrets, she will have done all that she could.
It won’t make it any easier now, or take one moment of the pain that is to come, away, but later she will look back and know things that she will be proud of and feel comfort from.
My Mom did not die alone, she was surrounded by love and her two daughters who cheered her on to the edge. A good death-we were part of that.